Immediately below are costs, location and schedules for our two types of retreats — the Private Retreat and the Group Retreat. After that, read detailed information about the following frequently asked questions:
"You saved our relationship.
We were stuck and could not have come
through it without your help." — from past clients (read
more)
Location of Retreats
The retreats are located in the northern part of the San Francisco Bay Area in California. They take place in Sonoma County near the friendly small town of Sebastopol.
Sonoma County is one of the premiere grape-growing areas in the world. The landscape here is a breathtaking patchwork of vineyards spread across gentle hills.
Even if you do not partake of wine-tasting, you'll have plenty of fun things here to see and do.
The activities and sights will take you from redwood forests, to rivers, on out to the beaches and the Pacific Ocean. Add top quality restaurants, the charm of small towns set amidst wineries — and you may even feel like you're in Provence!
Click
the button above to
inquire or ask questions
about a couples retreat
See a map of Sebastopol and Sonoma County, California, where all of our retreats take place.
We offer two types of retreats — a Private Retreat for just you and your partner — and a Group Retreat that you share with other couples. Read details on both immediately below.
You and your partner have a private retreat with John. You retreat can be from two to four days in length. Most couples choose the three-day long retreat, which is highly recommended if you can do it. Your retreat can be over a weekend, or during the week. Days go from approximately 10am to 6pm, with a good lunch break. You will also have homework, plus a couple of hours of preparatory work that is recommended for you to do before you get to the retreat.
Couples who have the need, time, resources or interest choose to take the longer retreats of three or four days in duration. The added length of time helps you achieve deeper results in acquiring new, positive communication tools. The added time can also help you more deeply heal old emotional wounds and shift into a place of trust and joy.
The Private Retreat gives couples a rare level of personal coaching
and offers you a profound depth of positive transformation and change.
The private format is the retreat that is by far in the highest demand by couples who approach us, who want to take significant steps to make meaningful improvements in their relationships.
You can arrange a Private Retreat on a weekend or during the week, whichever works best for your scheduling needs.
The cost is $2600 for the two-day retreat, and $3900 for the three-day retreat.
Longer retreats cost proportionally more. Travel, meals and accommodations are extra.
We have an online list of recommended places to stay. There are some wonderful cottages and local inns to choose from, and we will work together where you are staying. The approximate hours are from around 10AM to 6PM with an hour and a half lunch break. You will also have homework as well as preparatory work before coming to your retreat.
This retreat is available throughout the year and
can be set up on relatively short notice. Often you can arrange to have a Private Retreat scheduled within one to three weeks
of when you contact us asking for one. Below, you can see our calendar of available dates.
Shared Small Group Retreat
You
and your partner join two or three other couples to share a retreat together.
This is very different than the typical large group workshop that presents generic material, where you get lost in the crowd. You will have a good deal of personal attention throughout the retreat, as John or his assistant(s) work with you and your partner. The duration of the retreat is about 18 hours spread over a weekend, including Friday night. There are also a couple of hours of preparatory work that is recommended for you to do before you get to the retreat.
Currently there is such a strong demand for individual Private Retreats that we are not pre-scheduling Group Retreats on our calendar below. There is a waiting list for a Group Retreat, however. If you are not in a particular hurry and you're willing to wait to participate in the next available Group Retreat, the next paragraph describes how to get on the waiting list. How long might you have to wait? Unfortunately we cannot predict when the next Group Retreat will occur.
We will attempt to schedule a Group Retreat once three couples are on the waiting list. To get onto the waiting list, you submit credit card pre-payment information. Your card will not be charged until you and two other couples agree upon a date for the retreat. To join other couples, click here to submit your card information and get on the waiting list. You will hear from us by phone or email once three couples are on the waiting list. We will then look for a common date to hold the retreat. Your card will be charged once that date is agreed upon by you.
This is a retreat for couples who are not necessarily in a hurry — or for couples who don't need in-depth personal coaching.
If you do want such work, you can arrange to get additional private sessions with John — in person or later by phone.
Group retreats are usually on weekends. They start on Friday night, and include all day Saturday and Sunday. The cost is $650 per person.
Travel, meals and accommodations are not included.
Retreat Schedule Calendar
Days are color coded. WHITE is available for a Private Retreat. GREEN days are an open Group Retreat. BLUE days are currently on hold, but could possibly become available, so ask about these dates if you are interested. RED days are already taken and are no longer available. We try to keep this calendar up to date. Months earlier than below are currently not available. However, openings can suddenly occur, so contact us if you want to be put on our waiting list.
Available for a
Private Retreat
Available for a
Group Retreat
Dates Currently on Hold
(Contact Us if Interested)
Date Not
Available
April 2010
S
M
T
W
T
F
S
28
29
30
31
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
19
20
21
22
23
24
25
26
27
28
29
30
1
May 2010
S
M
T
W
T
F
S
Private Retreats in
May will be held
in Bali, Indonesia
Contact
Us About a Retreat. We are happy to talk with you about our retreats. They offer a powerful and effective format to transform your relationship.
Read more information about our policies regarding scheduling, cancelling or rescheduling a retreat.
Use the following links in the box below to sign up for a retreat and to find a place to stay:
Your retreat is aligned to your personal
goals and circumstances. Unlike one-size-fits-all approaches
and religion-based marriage encounters, the retreat
is tailored around your unique agenda — to meet your particular needs,
wants and goals.
A retreat typically gives you new clarity,
and increased effectiveness in communication. It helps you move beyond stuck
places, make new agreements, renew positive appreciation
and connection, and develop a deeper sense of shared vision.
In a retreat, you will acquire key tools
and strategies to get your relationship moving in a positive
direction, and to keep it growing positively once you return home.
Relationship aspects normally covered in a retreat include the following:
Change patterns that
do not work. Learn why relationships get stuck, how couples
polarize over differences, and why issues build up over time.
Find out how your specific personality patterns interact, and
clearly identify the key challenges and paths for positive growth
in your relationship. Learn tools for what to say or do to avoid
getting stuck, and to keep things on a positive track.
Transform the core distress cycle. Learn about an unconscious pattern that erodes your ability to connect and be happy. It makes solving issues impossible, and leads to blaming, attacks, withdrawal or shutting down. See how this cycle is your mutual enemy, and get tools to exit its painful grip. Discover you can get your needs met, reconnect and share positive feelings together.
Effective positive communication.
Learn a set of key strategies that will prevent poor communication
under any circumstances. Get proactive methods to communicate
very well, even with difficult matters. You will gain tools
that enable you to have your views heard, to make effective
requests, to set healthy personal boundaries, to avoid emotional
gridlock, and to truly resolve issues.
Get tools to heal negative feelings.
Emotions are at the root of relationship problems. Learn
tools to resolve emotionally charged issues, to develop new
choices, and to release old baggage. Gain tools for inner peace, self-confidence
and healing. Learn to center yourself in any situation, to soothe
your feelings, and to more easily support your partner to
work with their feelings.
Start collaborating instead of separating. See the big picture and get broader perspective
on how to move forward. Establish a solid foundation that gives
vital strength to your relationship, one which creates a sense
of shared purpose, and helps you work through challenges. Make
specific new agreements to support increased harmony and positive
growth.
Build trust and positive
connection. Gain essential tools for being proactive
in your relationship — with constructive behavior that
increases trust, mutual understanding and satisfaction.
Rediscover positive shared feelings that were buried behind
unresolved issues or emotional walls. Learn strategies to strengthen appreciation
and positive heartfelt connection on a daily basis.
The work in the areas above, and the
focus that is held in your retreat, will be tailored to match your personal styles and
agendas.
Each couple and each person is different. What works for one person does not work for another. That's why standardized approaches, found in normal therapy and group workshops, so often fail to produce results.
This retreat is flexible and skilled enough to address the particular wants and
needs of each person in terms of their own personality type.
Your retreat is devoted to going into depth
with regard to your goals and issues. And doing so in exactly the
way that best supports you to succeed. Depending on your
specific goals, you might acquire tools and strategies to achieve any of
the following — or even more:
Gain clarity and take positive
action
Increase positive feelings
and satisfaction
Turn problems into opportunities
and solutions
Communicate skillfully and
effectively
Change unsatisfactory interaction
patterns
Break impasses and get unstuck
Gain new strategies to resolve
differences
Build trust and a strong foundation
Handle charged issues without
sinking into negativity
Make effective requests and
agreements
Release and heal old emotional
baggage
Renew appreciation and affection
Gain tools to soothe and heal
upset feelings
The above is a list of possibilities. Your retreat will be designed to go wherever you want
to go, and to help you acquire the tools and strategies to make whatever breakthrough that would serve
you, and move your relationship forward in a new, positive direction.
Contact
Us to discuss whether your specific goals and needs fit
the work in a retreat.
Bottom line, it's about getting new tools and making positive changes.
Many couples have bad experiences in traditional counseling or therapy, and worry that a retreat is going to be like that, only more intense. Not so....
Couples often say how pleasant and valuable the retreat is — and how different it is compared to therapy in giving them useful results instead of drama.
Before you get to the retreat, you will ideally do 2-3 hours of preparatory work at home. This includes clarifying your positive goals for coming to the retreat — what it is you really want to accomplish, what your highest hopes would be for the results you get. You will also take an online personality test, to see and better understand things about yourselves and each other. This will help us more quickly see specific remedies for you as a couple, based on your personality styles and the specific ways these styles interact.
Once you arrive at the retreat, here is an overall picture of how a retreat progresses. A retreat can be thought of as a series of sessions, each one being from 3 to 4 hours in length, including ample time for breaks and lunch. You may also have some recommended work to do in the evening.
A retreat starts by clarifying your goals and learning about your personalities, your particular style as a couple. It then move into giving you new tools, information and strategies, and coaching you to apply these tools to create the positive
changes you want. As more specific information is discovered about underlying patterns that are causing distress in your relationship, the appropriate tools for working with these will be given and you will be coached to use them.
Clarifying Goals and Getting to Know Your Personalities —
A retreat starts by getting to know you. We all get comfortable together,
as we explore your situation and clarify what you want to accomplish. You learn things you didn't know about your personalities. Each couple is different, based on their specific personality styles. We will pinpoint your styles and see how that impacts you as a couple. There is no ideal pairing of personalities. But knowing which pairing you are helps us better understand the keys to what causes stress in your relationship, and how to remedy it. You have to see the box — to get out of the box. So our goal is to start to better see the way forward to new positive
growth together for you as a couple.
Learning New Tools —
A retreat is educational, You will learn new information, tools and strategies. You will gain tools to
help you achieve your goals and resolve issues. You
will get specific strategies that are relevant to your personalities, your particular situation
and how you want to change it. You will learn to better see and work with the underlying dynamics or distress cycles that may have overtaken your relationship. We address what will improve your communication, heal difficult feelings,
build a stronger, secure bond, and negotiate new agreements
that will help you maintain progress on a positive new road
together.
Coaching for Positive Change — You will receive significant coaching to apply the tools, information and strateiges to make positive changes. You
will learn to resolve your issues, get out of the unconscious distress cycle or vicious cirlces that you suffer, and
make positive changes you can feel. The style of coaching is unlike traditional therapy, which often only stirs up more unhappiness in a couple. John will coach you to discover positive ways to interact and resolve stuck places. Then, as a result of making tangible progress in
your goals and solving issues, a retreat concludes with future planning. You will make
agreements for using the tools you have learned, in order
to continue your progress once you return home.
A retreat is intensive but not overwhelming.
The work we do together is highly meaningful, and will go toward resolving real issues that have blocked your sense of connection and happiness in the past.
Many couples arrive wondering how they will spend so much time together,
focused on their relationship — especially if previous efforts
to do this in regular therapy have not yielded good results.
It is a couple's enthusiasm that keeps the work going. Time seems to pass in a state of flow.
It is a couple's growing interest in what they discover in the retreat — and the progress they are making — that motivates the length of time we spend together. And despite the intensity of the learning, there is still ample time to take stretch breaks and have long, relaxing lunches.
Contact
Us About a Retreat. We would like to talk to you before
deciding to do a retreat. This intensive format works for most
people, but it's not the best fit for everyone. We'd like to
discuss it with you first, by email or phone.
A frequently asked question is whether the retreat is based in any religious sets of beliefs that pertain to love, relationship or marriage. It is not.
Some couples have reported about certain religious approaches where it was attempted to "guilt" them into staying together.
It is highly unlikely such a tactic could stand the test of time. Real change needs to happen.
To stay together, couples need to be happy together. You can only get there by using new, effective tools to communicate in a way that creates positive closeness. Only that will change things for the better.
Is this retreat based in religious
beliefs? No. This is not a marriage encounter. It is not based
on pop psychology or the latest popular ideas of celebrity authors. What
you will get is strictly based in practicality. It comes from a synthesis of over two decades of working with couples, seeing what works and what does not work — as well as what a broad spectrum of scientific research has found over the last 20 years in looking at couples and what is really going on when they succeed or fail. You will learn useful,
practical tools. And you will get results-oriented coaching to apply these tools to
make positive changes in your relationship and resolve the issues that seem to divide you.
Here are the explicit beliefs and principles of this retreat:
Everyone can build a rewarding
and satisfying relationship.
This is true regardless of past history or current circumstances.
Being successful requires
certain strategies and tools. These can be acquired. You
can learn how to succeed.
We each need to learn
these key strategies as adults. Most of us don't acquire
them growing up, thus our high rate of divorce.
Relationship problems
are important opportunities in disguise. They tell us it
is time to learn the right tools to succeed.
The basic belief is this: Seen in a positive light, relationship problems — as unwanted as they are —
are what will ultimately push each of us to grow as individuals to learn to communicate better.
The problems we come up against, in our meaningful relationships, ultimately
move us to learn new strategies and tools — ones which will
lead us back to the shared happiness we want with our partner.
The bottom line is simply this: You can change things for the better. It's a matter of learning the right tools.
You can develop within yourself all the resources you need
to get the positive changes you want in your relationship. This retreat
is designed to help you do that.
Contact
Us About a Retreat. We would like to talk to you before
deciding to do a retreat. This intensive format works for most
people, but it's not the best fit for everyone. We'd like to
discuss it with you first, by email or phone.
Comments on the relationship tools John has
created and written about, as well as on the coaching services he provides to couples:
"Powerful tools to expand joy and happiness. Discover new options
that will make a positive difference in your relationship."
— John Gray, Ph.D., Author of the Best Seller Men Are from Mars,
Women Are from Venus
"A thoughtful, inspiring guidebook for the qualities and stages
necessary for fulfilling, growth-filled relationships."
— Angeles Arrien, Ph.D., Author of The Four Fold
Way
"A friendly source of guidance and wisdom, to help you have the
kind of relationship you truly want."
— John Welwood, Ph.D., Author of Journey of the
Heart
"John possesses exceptionally
unique skills for moving people through difficult and sensitive
topics and situations with both competence and empathy, yet with
strength and conviction."
— Diane R. Ludgate, Ph.D., Psychologist / Corporate Trainer
"John offers us the most powerful strategies in relationship
psychology today. The tools he offers are simple to understand, and easy
to use."
— Ken Crittenden, Ph.D., Psychologist
"John is a superbly skilled, wise and authentic relationship coach, and the framework he uses is magnificently suited to genuine transformation. "
— Deborah Boyar, Ph.D., Therapist and Workshop Leader
"How to
create a great relationship. Simple to understand and it lays
out what you need to do step by step. And it works!"
— Timothy JohnPress, Corporate Coach
"John takes us beyond
myths of soulmates, and shows us how couples can truly succeed
together."
— Andrew Sears, Ph.D., Psychotherapist
Click
the button above to
inquire or ask questions
about a couples retreat
"John reveals the
workings of authentic real-world soulmates. There's no fluff.
Just the inside story of what it takes to have the relationship
of your dreams."
— Dawn Monnet, Educator, Coach and Motivational
Speaker
"Clear direction
for how to go about the mysterious thing we call relationship."
— Lisa Berg, Business Coach
"You saved our relationship.
We really couldn't have done it without you. We were going down
into a deep hole. We were stuck and could not have come through it without
your help. As far as we are concerned, you saved the relationship.
So much so, that we've been giving your book as wedding presents.
And if we could afford it, we would give your retreat to all couples
we love. Your work is invaluable."
— O and S, Mediator / Lawyer
"I don’t know how to begin to
thank you for all you did for my partner and me, and for our relationship.
We came to you seeking help and understanding, and what we left
with was far beyond our highest expectations. You possess exceptionally
unique skills for moving people through difficult and sensitive
topics and situations with both competence and empathy, yet with
strength and conviction. Your love for your work emanates through
you."
— D and S, Psychologist / Executive
(Read
the full letter)
"Thank you so much for giving us so many tools to improve our relationship.
When we came to you we were in a stalemate. It seemed that there
was no way to communicate. We got preoccupied by being busy and
we didn't even make time to try anymore. After the weekend with
you, we did not only learn to open up communication again. We found
ourselves sharing a whole new honeymoon all over again!"
— J and V, Medical Administrator / Doctor
"Our retreat was utterly extraordinary, simply magnificent. John is a superbly skilled, wise, authentic, supportive guide. His program is magnificently suited to genuine transformation. The shifts we experienced, the understanding that emerged, and the capacities that we steadily and rapidly built, all went far beyond our wildest expectations of what could happen between two severely wounded, alienated people in two days. What did happen was an undeniable breakthrough. It was facilitated by John's incomparable presence, knowledge, ability to tune in to each of us and support us to bring forward our best. The intensive format worked amazingly well at safely revealing and healing toxic patterns. The tools we were given are priceless, elegant, simple, and they really work. The schedule, the homework, the containment, the safety, and the setting were all so supportive each step along the way. Our hearts are again open to each other; it feels like a miracle, but it's very grounded and real. I feel as if I've found my dearest friend again, still alive and breathing, and still in love with me, thank God. Moreover, I also regained access to my own sense of wholeness. I have opened up in ways I've been yearning for. This retreat has been a total blessing on every level. Thank you."
— D and T, Therapist / Coach
"The retreat opened doors for us to
renew the spark. We had grown complacent. We are now growing more
happy and passionate with each day. The same outside stresses are
still there in our lives, children and work. But the tools you gave
us help us to check in with each other on a daily basis, in ways
that open our hearts to each other and refresh our love for each
other. Thank you so much for this gift!"
— J and R, Architect / Consultant
"We were stuck in a place where we
fought over stupid things. I felt so resentful that intimacy had
long ago stopped. We could be civil, but we felt the happiness we
used to have was lost. Your retreat helped us move through some
big blocks, understand new things, and heal the issues we couldn't
even talk about. I discovered things about him I didn't know even
after a decade of marriage! Deep, wonderful things. It's like I
found the great guy I originally met, only more so."
— L and R, Mother / Hall of Fame Athlete
"We did not know what to expect at
your retreat, whether it would be ineffective like counseling had
been, or overbearing like on TV talk shows. What we found was compassionate,
authentic and supportive, a coach that could mentor us in new tools
and show us ways out of the box we were stuck in. It was like a visit with the wise friend we always wish we had, who could
help us through our rough spots back to the love we originally shared."
— D and M, Executive / Nurse
"Your retreat greatly improved our marriage.
We were anxious when we got there. But we quickly became comfortable
in your presence. You showed us how to resolve issues which had
been threatening our stability as a couple. You taught us tools
we have continued to use over the year since our retreat with you.
This has helped us increase our happiness, and kept us from falling
back into old traps. We are very grateful."
— A and C, Construction Engineer / Educator
"The retreat was a great two days, with excellent organization and materials. The weekend is a turning point in our relationship. It will be remembered as the place we got the tools to move into a loving and nurturing relationship. And given where we were when we got there, I'd say this... Even if a partner thinks they might not want to go to a couples retreat, how could you possibly go wrong in going?"
— J and K, Sales / Real Estate
