Beyond the Honeymoon
Excerpt from Relationship Tools for Positive Change
by John Grey, Ph.D.
We all know that sooner or later the honeymoon is over
It may last weeks, months, or even years. But it does end. And then another phase of relationship begins….
Is “real life” finally entering the equation? Does perfect love somehow just slip away? Sadly, many couples look back at a honeymoon only to feel they lost something, the rest of the relationship never quite measuring up to it.
The honeymoon gives us a glimpse of possibility for a relationship. My coaching work is centered on how couples can make good on that possibility and turn it into a lasting reality. I offer a model, and a pathway to lasting success. The first step on this path is to understand what happens when the honeymoon ends. This is a critical moment in a relationship. How you respond makes a big difference.
What signals the crossing of this dreaded threshold? What exactly are the signs? Couples usually declare the honeymoon is over when problems, challenges, upsets or differences arise. These are normally seen as negative signs… signs that something is “wrong”… signs of a “bad” relationship.
Most couples will look for the “cause” of these unwanted events. Inevitably, they point the finger at each other. Getting the other person to change is seen as the way back to the wonderful spontaneous feelings of the honeymoon. This is not a conscious strategy. It is a knee-jerk reaction. Seeing a problem, challenge, upset or differences as a negative sign is the normal thing to do, the conventional wisdom.
Unconsciously, most of us do see things according to the conventional wisdom. We may feel that “differences attract” at first meeting. But after the honeymoon, people normally start to complain about how “unlike me” the other person is. There’s a tendency to see the other person as “wrong” or deficient in character, because they are different.
How does this happen? In the next part we will look at the underlying process that turns problems, upsets and differences into road blocks to happiness…
Dear John,
I am relieved to realise that the Hole is a common problem.
The only good thing about being in the Hole is wanting to get out of it. There is a lot of love to loose otherewise.
I’ve gone from thinking there’s ‘No Way’ out of this, to there are ‘Other Ways’ - what are they?
I’ve done the best I can and now its time to change and learn new things. I am definately ordering your book.
Kind regards,
Melody
Thanks Melody,
There are other ways. Our hearts know and want that. We want to be able to stop doing the things that hurt us and our partner… and our relationship. We would prefer to do the 7 things on the last page of this article, instead. A very first step to change from going to the Hole to doing something different is simply to realize when we are in the Hole… and then take some time out to calm down and release that stuckness in the fight-or-flight chemistry that has overtaken us. I’m glad you’re getting my book… it will give you more specific tools to use in this regard.