How your personality affects relationships
and how to overcome self-limitations

We all know that different people have different personality types. But how many different types are there? What are they? And how do they effect our relationships?

According to the most useful system I have encountered — it’s called the “Enneagram” — there are nine basic personality archetypes. We all have some of each archetype within us. But we tend to concentrate most of our energy in just one type, or a couple of types.

In this series, I will describe the nine archetypes in the Enneagram system of personality profiling, and the expected problems each type will have in love and relationships. I will also describe how each type can personally grow to overcome any of their self-limiting beliefs.

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A Perfectionist is concerned with being good, correcting error, doing what one should, and getting things right.

They have an active inner voice that guides them to do the right thing. But this inner voice is critical and overbearing, and it tends to produce inner tension, guilt, and worry. In its wake, pleasure gets dampened. Personal needs are not recognized or voiced. A sense of deprivation can result.

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A Giver is focused on fulfilling other peoples’ needs. They believe they’ll get love and connection in this way.

They usually give too much. But they seldom ask for what they want or need. So they get back too little — since others do not have a Giver’s “psychic” ability to see needs. Eventually they break into anger, or just as easily, tears. They, and their partners, get overwhelmed by these emotional outbreaks.

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A Performer is concerned with work and getting the job done. They are driven by the need to succeed. In essence, they believe that love and acceptance is based upon what they do, on their performance, image, achievements and success.

With their high drive to get the job done, a Performer puts feelings aside — theirs as well as the feelings of other people. This becomes a problem in relationships.

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A Romantic is an idealist who longs for a special sense of connection in the world. They are often disappointed by life. They feel something important is missing. They tend to be dissatisfied or angry with ordinary, daily life. They yearn for that special something believed to be ultimately fulfilling.

Relationships are concerned with a search for the special and unique. Romantics suffer from a “grass is always greener” syndrome. They are attracted by distance and non-availability. But once things settle down, they get bored or start to see what is missing or not good enough in the other person. Hence, they have trouble committing. Lasting happiness is elusive.

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An Observer tends to think the world demands too much, and gives too little. They focus on protecting themselves from intrusions or demands made on them by others.

They value privacy. They need signficant amounts of time alone. They will tend to be detached and will easily withdraw from others. Emotional states overwhelm an Observer — both their own feelings and those of other people. Hence they will isolate from their feelings and try to avoid the feelings of the people around them. They retreat to the domain of the mind and intellect. Others find this void of emotional connection a kind of rejection, a sign their feelings don’t matter.

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A Loyal Skeptic is concerned with finding certainty or security. Their sense of being safe is challenged by a world that appears to be dangerous. This may take them in one of two directions — to fear the world, or to deny there is anything to fear. They may then believe you must avoid and escape perceived danger. Or they may believe you must face and fight it.

A Loyal Skeptic will tend to be vigilant. They also tend to have many doubts, and can be highly ambivalent. They can easily misread or mistrust others. There can be difficulties with authority figures — either in the form of excess loyalty and obedience, or rebellion and opposition.

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An Epicure is sensitive to how the world is limiting. They are frustrated with this, and try to keep as many options available as possible, to avoid limits or pain.

They are the ultimate pleasure seekers. They continually focus on pleasurable activities, and enjoy imagining all the many fascinating possibilities that could exist in the future. This becomes a major source of distraction, a diversion from deeper purposes and commitments.

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A Protector tends to see the world as a hard place, where one has to be powerful or forceful. It’s all about being protected and respected. Underlying this, a sense of innocence has been lost because the world appears harsh and unjust.

This results in a great concern with being in control of a situation. This can result in conflicts, struggles over power, and the Protector easily erupts into anger. 
There are many different reactions to a Protector. Some people counter their force by fighting back. Many others simply withdraw or avoid them. The Protector then feels unmet or disrespected, resulting in more anger and struggle.

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A Mediator tends to “go along to get along.” They put their needs and opinions on hold, and will blend into or merge with what other people want. In this way, they try to gain love, acceptance and a sense of belonging.

They often suffer from losing themselves in the more assertive agendas of others. They will rarely look inside themselves to see what they want. Hence they will seldom voice to others what they feel or need.

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